January (into early February) has been a bit of a month. I know I’ve been lax about posting weekly like I promised, amongst other failings these past few weeks. But it all kinda came to a head the last few days and I’ve been paying dearly for shoving stuff down and away for too long. So here I am.
It’s just been such a rollercoaster of highs and lows, good and bad – I feel emotionally dizzy.
On the down side – I really was hoping to sell a few books over the holidays as Christmas presents. Nope, not a single one. I know that’s basically it for me. I did what I set out to do, which was write the book and get it out there, not to sell books per se. But it’s still hard. Who doesn’t dream of just a little bit more? I hope at least a few people would have (A) actually read it and (B) liked it enough to want to share, but alas, no. Hard not to get a little down about that.
On the plus side, I finally decided to try going to therapy again. It’s been a long time, way too long. I manage my meds well, which is good, but I know that’s only half the equation and I’ve been ignoring the other half for like 5 years. I’ve just not had much luck with having a therapist I connect with, so I’ve put off trying again. But here I am. I’ve only had two sessions so it’s hard to say yet how it’s going to turn out, but at least I’m trying.
Then there’s the good/bad. Over MLK weekend Dave’s family came into town and we all did an overnight night at the new Great Wolf Lodge nearby. Seeing the family is always nice, so plus side. Down side – never, ever, EVER go to GWL on a holiday. I was smart enough to take extra anxiety meds on day one, but too stupid to remember to bring them for day two. So day one was overwhelming – it was so, so, so crowded and loud and MUCH – but meds helped me hang in there. Day two – I was crawling out of my skin. I’ve seldom felt more relieved than I did getting in the car to leave. It actually took me days to fully recover and feel on balance again.
Then there’s the fact that Dave’s been away not once, but twice this month. That’s no bueno for me. This second trip in particular, while shorter than the first, really weighed on me. I was just so abjectly LONELY. I’m (mostly) used to spending my days not talking to anyone/seeing anyone, but three days of basically not talking to anyone at all (cuz 12yos aren’t much for conversation) – that was too much. I barely slept for 3 days and was just so DONE by the time he got home.
But hey, upswing time. Since he didn’t get home until about 1am on Friday this second trip, he took the day off. We pretty much spent the whole thing naked, in bed, snuggling (yeah yeah, TMI.) And that was so wonderful and so what I needed.
Then Saturday, again – good/bad. We were supposed to head out to a winery with a group of friends. Sadly two out of three of the friends ended up not being able to make it. We still decided to go, and it was fun, but I really missed my one friend in particular.
Sunday was a crash and burn day. I woke up feeling unwell and then heard some upsetting news that really just sent me to a dark place. I fully got inside my own head and turned the light off. Not good. Took me two days to crawl out from under that.
On the plus side, it made me reach out to some people I hadn’t in a while and I had a really nice lunch with an old friend on Tuesday. They told me they wanted to be better about staying in touch and wanted to get me out of the house more. So with life being what it is and all, and how busy we all get, we’ll see how well that works out. At least they want to try.
Today’s been another kinda tough day. I’ve felt inexplicably exhausted all day, and generally just down. It’s a late night for Dave at work (of course, great timing) so I haven’t had the chance to try and recharge yet. But hopefully getting a chance to chat with him will chase away these weird blues.
So yeah, that’s been the past month. It’s been a doozy. And tomorrow we head back to Great Wolf Lodge with Eli and a friend – weeeeee? Hopefully it will be a lot less crowded this time and easier to enjoy. Wish me luck.