This post has been bopping around in my head for a while but I’m still struggling to fully get my hands around it. Let’s give it a try anyway.

So, work. It’s been almost a year and a half since I left. Honestly that first year is kind of a blur. Most of it was spent working on one or another aspect of the book, and that kept my brain busy.

But the last five to six months have been another story. There are multiple facets to this.

First, I’ve tried to keep in at least some contact with all my old staff since I left. I suppose it may sound vain, but I was a good supervisor (hey, one person literally cried when I told her I was leaving.) I treated my staff like the adults, and HUMANS they are, and as a result they generally did their damnedest (sp?) to give me their best. It was a professionally nurturing environment. But things have changed a lot since I left, and that has, and continues to, fill me with a lot of guilt.

All things taken into account, it sounds like things have gone south in general. Changes at the levels above the group are forcing some shitty situations, and I know I would be even more utterly miserable than I was before if I was still there. But, to my own detriment, I would have at least protected my staff with everything I had. It was what was done for me for years, it’s what I was taught as a growing leader. But I’m not there now and it seems like no one is really looking out for them. If I’d stayed my life might suck, but theirs might be better if I hadn’t left. So I carry a lot of guilt.

Then there are my more personal regrets. There were many parts of my job itself that fulfilled me – growing my group at Bayview from 10 to over 60, starting new programs, mentoring, consulting overseas, co-authoring a research project article in a well-known and respected research publication…. they gave me joy. But my favorite thing was working with our specialties’ professional society, SHM.

My boss was an early adopter of SHM and he helped me get my foot in the door at a time when non-physcians weren’t yet a part of things. (It’s all “Big Tent” now, so a very different story, but I joined back in the dark ages, lol.) He got my foot in the door, but I took it and RAN with it. I don’t necessarily want to sit here and list all my accomplishments, except… Yes I do!

I received a national award – the only admin to ever receive that award. I was the vice president of the local chapter. I was the chair of the admin group for several years. I was on multiple committees, including the annual meeting committee for several years (which is a pretty big deal.) I wrote, recorded, and co-produced six podcasts for the Society. I was a Facilitator at the annual Leadership Academy something like eight or nine times, and a Coach for the upper level Capstone course twice. I reviewed research abstracts for the annual research symposium for several years. I had an abstract of my own accepted one year. I gave a brief talk at one of the annual meetings. I was an invited guest at a Board meeting. I was on the editorial board for the SHM monthly magazine for two years, and wrote or was featured in several articles therein. I got both my senior fellow and certified leader certifications…

I did a lot. And I LOVED it. Every minute of it.

But I made a mistake. When I left my job I thought I had no choice but to give up my volunteer activities too. In retrospect that probably wasn’t true at all. I still had over 19 years of experience in the field. I still carried all that knowledge and still had a passion for hospital medicine. I still had a lot to give. My therapist asked me at my last appointment what gave me joy. And I realized so much of what did was my time with SHM. And I gave it up.

It makes me really sad. Like, really sad. I was hoping to at least get to keep facilitating at Leadership, but I wasn’t invited last year and it looks like I won’t be this year either. I renewed my membership last year, but can I really justify continuing to do that when I don’t really have a reason to? It will sever the last tie I have to my old life.

I’ve been ruminating on this for weeks. Needless to say it’s not the greatest headspace to be in. But here I am. Maybe one day I’ll get past my regrets, but today is not that day.