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Away we go…
Thanks for Joining Me! Hello blog, my old friend. This is my third foray into the blog world (though to be fair, my one blog had a very specific focus and “end” date, which I fulfilled, so I don’t think that one should count as against me in some way. Just saying.) But I’m back, and […]
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Bump In The Night
I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with horror movies. I’ll never forget the first one I ever saw. I was in 2nd grade, and we were allowed to started checking VHS tapes, along with books, out of the school library. My grandpa had been Dracula for some Halloween in the past few years so when […]
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Reflections on a New Year
A few weeks ago Dave and I were snuggling on the couch in the glow of our tree, surrounded by Christmas decorations that hadn’t seen the light of day in 11 years. So I had to say “Thank you. Thank you for giving me the ability, and grace, and support to get better.” He looked […]
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Sixteen Tons
So that title is a reference to a song that I’m not sure anybody other than me who is reading this will know/remember, let alone immediately make the connection to… 16 tons and a wadda I get? Another day older, and a deeper in debt. Don’t call me St. Peter cuz I can’t go. I […]
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This Is For The Birds
We’re hosting Thanksgiving this year for the first time in ages. When we first got married we tried the whole “splitting the holidays between families” thing, but then I figured – if everyone comes here then we don’t have to pick. That worked – until it didn’t, but that’s a different story. I’ve honestly been […]
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Hush!!
So as you already know I’ve been singing with a community choir since September. Three long months of weekly rehearsals plus 3-4 times a week of practices at home. I’ve put in an incredible amount of work, and while it hasn’t all been sunshine and roses, I really have been enjoying myself. I should have […]
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Deck The Halls?
So Dave and I have been noticing all the little things that show that I’ve been feeling better and better lately – singing, driving more, baking again, reading… they’re not things I’m consciously doing, I only notice kinda after the fact. The one we talked about today was decorating. We carve pumpkins every year and […]
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Snapshot
Grief is a funny thing. We talk about “surviving” it, or “living through it”, statements which in and of themselves indicate some kind of destination to be arrived at where the grief is no more. And life can trick us into believing that is true. Life does in fact go on. We do have days, […]
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Practice Makes Sufficient
So this whole choir thing – as anyone who’s been following along knows I have been as nervous and uncertain as I have been excited. I never got a lot of great feedback/reinforcement back when I was singing, and it’s been 30 years since that to boot, so I didn’t have much faith in how […]
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Perhaps a Change Coming?
So ever since I left work I’ve felt pretty uncomfortable about it. I just feel like it isn’t okay that I’m just staying at home and not contributing financially (in any substantive way) to the household. I know there were VERY GOOD reasons for doing what I did, what I **needed** to do for my […]
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To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
So as anyone who has known me for more than like 5 minutes knows, I’ve had insomnia most of my adult life, and it’s only gotten worse the older I’ve gotten. I’d tried just about everything – melatonin, magnesium, valerian root, every non-habit forming sleep drug my insurance would cover, meditation, sleep “hygiene”, light therapy, […]
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Musically Uncertain
So I had my first choir practice in 30 years tonight. You didn’t all think I was just going to give you a two or three sentence Facebook post on this right? Don’t you know me better? But seriously, there’s kind of a lot to unpack (and that’s without the drama of getting there, and […]
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Birds of a Feather
I found myself musing lately on the idea of friends, and how those relationships form and how strange it can be sometimes the way they do. This particular thought process kicked off with a specific friendship, but I’m not going to start there, I’m going to talk about other things first. So I think the […]
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Island Time
So tonight marks our last night in Grand Cayman. I can’t believe a week went by so fast – but doesn’t vacation always? It was an interesting week. This whole vacation happened because Eli was complaining last year that he’d never really been out of the country (“Canada doesn’t count!”), and Dave and I realized […]
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Finding Me-mo
Get the pun with the title there? ….. Yeah, it’s terrible, I know. Let’s just move along. I had a therapy appointment today that was scheduled when it was for a very specific reason. Dave leaves for yet another work trip tomorrow, to Brazil for 6 days. Certainly not the worst we’ve gone through, but […]
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To Find The Words
As in “it’s hard to find the words…” It was a year ago today I received the call that changed so much. To hear “Ethan is gone” still seems surreal one year later. I’m certainly, thanks to a great therapist, doing better about all this than I was three months ago. I can’t imagine what […]
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Take Pride: Part 2
I’m trying to think of the last time I wrote a blog post when other people were awake. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know. Tonight is not that night. Today has been an introspective, albeit “lovey dovey” kind of day. Davie had a therapy appointment today, and in light of our just […]
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Flames On The Side Of My Face
Yup, another pissed off post. Been feeling my righteous anger quite a bit lately, but I blame the world for giving me so many reasons to feel infuriated. On today’s episode of “WTF????”, we find ourselves talking about Eli’s friend R and his family. R’s mom (“A”) is a truly lovely person. She’s very outgoing, […]
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Take Pride
Happy Pride Month everyone. I’m feeling the need to be particularly celebratory this year if for no other reason than to spit in the faces of every bigot out there who wants this community erased. I say without any interest in kindness at all – go fuck yourselves. Ok, now that the general message is […]
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The F Word
So I’ve continued to have a great experience with therapy. It took years, but thank gods I finally found a good person. One of the topics of conversation in the last few sessions has revolved around the idea of forgiveness – an F word in my book. I balk at the idea. Like, why? Why […]
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The Missing Book Chapter
So therapy, and some conversations thereafter, most particularly with Dave, have really brought into stark reality how – despite how far I dove into my brain in the book, and how honest and revealing I was with some of the chapters, I still have some important and deep things I didn’t address in the book, […]
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Therapy Time
So I have known since I was in the hospital 8 years ago that therapy is an important part of treatment, not just medication. However, I have not found a therapist I have been able to connect with or found value in since the one I had before that “big event.” (Unfortunately she stopped seeing […]
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Eight Is A Lot Of …
“Eight is a lot legs, David” is one of Dave and my many favorite quotes from our favorite “Christmas” movie, so I thought I’d whip it out here. Eight is a lot of legs, it’s also a lot of years. Eight years of surviving and sometimes thriving, sometimes not. This has been an interesting year, […]
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A Prickly Situation
The header pictures of my posts are ALWAYS foxes. ALWAYS. But today, for something a little different – a hedgehog. With an axe. Let me explain. I have been playing RPGs (tabletop role-playing games) since I was in high school. I played a lot of White Wolf back in the day because that was what […]
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Spick and Span Part 2
As I mentioned in my last post, the fact that a bunch of people, most of whom I did not know, were coming to my house for dinner motivated to finally get shit done around here. It looked great. And here’s the thing – it took that external motivation, that drop dead date, that unavoidable […]
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Spick and Span
I was writing that title and wondering – does anyone these days even know what that means??? If not, Google is your friend. It is a fairly ill-kept secret that I’ve had a lot of difficulty finding motivation this last year. The first year after I left work was full of book stuff – writing, […]
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Happy New Year Baby
Hello all. Long time no post. It’s the new year so I thought I ought to start it off right with a post. Like, a recommitment to trying to write more in the new year. Thing is, I have no idea what I want to talk about, so this will probably be a mishmosh of […]
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Dystopia Here We Are
I went to bed last night at almost midnight with a pit of apprehension in my stomach. I woke up at 4am to be slapped in the face with the greatest of all my fears coming true. Another four years of staring into the abyss and wondering what fresh hell awaits us. I couldn’t go […]
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Who Needs Sleep?
I mean really, who needs sleep anyway? 🙄 So insomnia has been a companion of mine for quite some time. My particular friend comes in many different forms, just to keep things interesting. Sometimes it’s a “can’t fall asleep” kinda thing. Sometimes it’s a restless sleep/vivid or uncomfortable dreams kinda thing. Sometimes it’s a “wake […]
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Growing Pains
I think one of the hardest parts about having kids is not knowing when it will be the “last time” you do something. Most things kinda sneak up on you, and one day you just suddenly go – “Wait, when was the last time I picked him up?” Or “when was the last time he […]
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A New Beginning
It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything other than blog posts. I just haven’t felt inspired at all, and I’m the kind of writer that can’t just write for the sake of writing. I have to have an idea for what I’m going to write. But in the middle of the night a […]
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No Title
I have no title for this one. I tried for almost a day, but I couldn’t come up with one. So let’s just call a spade a spade, and let’s not even try anymore. There is no circumstance, regardless of the details, in which talking about someone passing away will ever be easy. My oldest […]
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Stories Of The Besties
There are many reasons why having a bestie is super awesome and important. Being alive is hard y’all. There’s responsibilities and expectations and requirements. And that’s all a bit overwhelming. Also – even if we travel through this space we call life with people who are close to us, we rarely find ourselves in the […]
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Tales Of The Unemployed
Being unemployed means I can basically do whatever I want to do whenever I want. (Okay, that’s not entirely true because I still need to take care of Eli/Dave/Ollie, but it’s mostly true.) If I want to nap, I nap. If I want to craft, I craft. If I want to read, I read. And […]
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A Year In Review
So today marks seven years since that horrible day when it all nearly came to a screeching halt. The year’s been full of it’s up and it’s downs. This year is the first year I am able to say that I’ve been home for the whole year. I’ve enjoyed my time being my own tremendously, […]
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Happy Puppy Gotcha Day!
It was one year ago today that Daisy came into our lives! We lost Tikka in the winter of 2022. It took us almost a year to be ready to even consider another dog. She’d just been with us for so long that it was hard to imagine anyone in her place. But when we […]
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Busy, Busy, Busy
Needless to say, many of my days can go by without much fanfare. Get up, make breakfast for the boys, chill, make dinner, rinse and repeat. It can get a little monotonous. So some things are a foot. First, I started doing lunch every week with an old friend of mine. Sadly we have to […]
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Hindsight is 20/20
This post has been bopping around in my head for a while but I’m still struggling to fully get my hands around it. Let’s give it a try anyway. So, work. It’s been almost a year and a half since I left. Honestly that first year is kind of a blur. Most of it was […]
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Up, Down, and Sideways
January (into early February) has been a bit of a month. I know I’ve been lax about posting weekly like I promised, amongst other failings these past few weeks. But it all kinda came to a head the last few days and I’ve been paying dearly for shoving stuff down and away for too long. […]
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To Read Or Not To Read
I’ve been a reader since second grade. I fell in love with the Little House on the Prairie book series, and when that was done I just kept reading from there. Reading defined me through most of my child, preteen, teen, and adult-hood. I used to get in trouble as a kid for reading too […]
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Away and Back Again
So this week saw Eli and I once again without Dave as he set off to California for work. He was basically gone 5 days this trip, but honestly, both Eli and I agreed, for some reason this time it felt so much longer. We’re just glad he’s home. I slept better last night than […]
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A Rollercoaster Week
It’s been a kinda of up and down type of week+. Last Thursday was a lovely evening of visiting a multi-display train garden and dinner out with a friend. Dinner was at this little hole-in-the-wall Hawaiian place that was really fantastic. It was a perfectly wholesome evening of holiday fun – a great way to […]
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Tradition, TRADITION!
Like most families (I’m guessing) we have a few Christmas traditions. The Christmas Tree: decorating the tree in the Panek household is a very specific affair. First, there MUST be John Denver and the Muppets A Christmas Together playing (a tradition carried over from Dave’s childhood.) No exceptions. Also, there are “generic” ornaments anyone can […]
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Give A Little Love
I did a thing today, and the details aren’t important, but it’s got me thinking a lot and I wanted to share my thoughts. Why don’t we choose kindness more often? Like, why does it have to be so damned shocking when someone does something kind? Especially when it’s just the right thing to do? […]
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Leave It To Fate
We don’t always choose who we love. I’m inspired to talk about this as I sit here and pet my cat, Tybalt. I didn’t want him. Oh don’t get me wrong, I wanted a cat. We had gone to look at a rescue kitten I was VERY interested in. I have always wanted a long-haired […]
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It’s Starting To Look A Lot…
Yep, it’s starting to look a lot like Christmas in the Panek household. The tree and the outside decorations have been up since Thanksgiving weekend. There’s nothing like coming home to Christmas lights on the house. It just gives me so much joy. And sitting in the living room with nothing but the light of […]
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The Hardest Decision
Having pets is the greatest joy, and most horrible pain of your life. I couldn’t image life without our furbabies. They are a complete pain in the ass sometimes, but they have such awesome little personalities, each totally different. Interacting with them, and having them interact with me, is such a serotonin boost (and boy […]
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To Sleep?
My battles with insomnia are well known to anyone who knows me or reads this blog. The strangest thing I find about it is that it is not consistent over time. Like, I always have SOME form of insomnia, but the flavor changes itself up from time to time. Sometimes it’s the “can’t fall asleep” […]
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Giving Thanks
As I sit here VERY early on Thanksgiving morning (thank you Daisy for all the barking), I pontificate on all I have to be thankful for. I am so grateful for: A husband with almost unending patience. I am not always an easy person to love, but he does it without fail every day. A […]
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What’s The Secret?
Today marks 24 years since the day Dave and I got married. I think I can safely say no one thought we’d make it this far, back when we were just kids and getting married (because boy were we just kids!) But here we are, as happy as we’ve ever been in 24 years of […]
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Welcome November
My very favorite month of the year has come to a close. November is my second favorite, but it’s still always hard to see October, with all it’s Halloweeniness, go. Halloween this year was nice though. We carved some great pumpkins, and as usually Dave’s takes the cake – who doesn’t love baby Yoda?? And […]
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