In just a few days it will be one year since I left my job. It seems impossible to believe that – wasn’t it just the other day???

I think one of the hardest things about realizing how long it’s been is this sense of – and what do I have to show for it? One of the first things people ask me when they see me is some version of “so what have you been doing?”

I mean, I have the book and that’s no small thing. But really, that’s it. I have not “produced” anything else in a year. And that seeming expectation on their part, what the question “what have you been doing” implies, is that the book isn’t enough. I’ve had all this TIME, what do I have to show for it, huh?

On the bad days it’s easy to spiral a little when my brain goes down this rabbit hole. My work was such a huge part of my identity and such a source of self-worth – what’s there to fill the void? Am I just useless now?

But on my better days, well fuck that noise.

I left work for several reasons: to be there more for my kid and family, to preserve my mental health, and to see through my dream of becoming an author.

As we’ve mentioned with the author thing, I obviously saw that through. The book is published, in a library even, and some people have even read the whole thing. Yet still, one of the very first questions people ask is “are you going to write another one?” Jesus folks, can I just bask in the glory of this one for a little while?? Do I want to write more? Of course. Have I done that this year? Other than this blog (which I say counts), nope, not one word. BUT THAT’S OKAY DAMMIT. I’m not in the “write something everyday” camp of writing philosophy. When my brain has something to share, it will do it. In the meantime, it’s okay to not be penning the next great novel.

So as for being there more for my family, I’ve definitely done that. Eli’s been able to spend more time with friends, he’s been able to do stuff after school – I mean just today I need to pick him up from soccer practice at a time I wouldn’t have been able to if I was still working. And unlike before where we ate out all the time because I was usually just too physically and mentally tired to cook, I get up almost every morning and make breakfast and I cook dinner almost every day. And not just quick throw together “phone-it-in dinners” either. I’ve been meal planning and experimenting with new recipes and trying not to end up in a rut of making the same things all the time just because they’re easy. Some days that doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment, but again, on my good days I realize it’s actually a big deal. I am taking care of my family.

And last but certainly not least, there’s the whole mental health aspect. Here’s where, when I am being fair to myself, I know even if I had accomplished NOTHING else, that I still made the right choice and I do have something to show for the year. Look people, I DON’T CRY EVERY DAY ANYMORE. Literally. I don’t have panic attacks almost every day – I actually can’t remember when my last panic attack was. Is my mental health perfect? No. But it’s so night to day from what it was a year ago that it’s like I’m a different person. I’m actually HAPPY most of the time. I realize looking back just how terribly unhappy I’d been all the time before. Even on good days I still wasn’t what I would describe as happy because I constantly had this low lying level of stress and tension that just never went away. That’s gone now.

So I still don’t know exactly how to answer “so what have you been doing?” but at least I know whatever it is that it’s been worth it.