I find myself scouring my memories to figure out when my brain got even more fucked up in the last few years than normal. Why? When? How? Because of…?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have become very fearful of driving. Riding in a car is also difficult, but driving is a serious problem. I am fearful of getting in an accident, I am fearful of forgetting how to drive for some unforesakable, unknowable reason considering I’ve been driving for decades, I am fearful of forgetting how to get where I am going even when I have a GPS guiding me or have been going to the same place forever.

I was listening to music of my younger years tonight and that got me thinking about this in a different perspective. I suppose I just started thinking about how I spent my whole life until recently going all over the place without thinking anything of it. I hardly ever knew how the hell to get where I was going but that wasn’t a big deal. This was even before GPS for crying out loud.

Even not that long ago I was so capable in this department. A friend of mine needed a lot of support for a while that involved driving into the city, then driving to other places, then driving to other places, then driving to other places, all far from my home… most of which I didn’t know where I was going, but I managed to find my way without too much stress. I even got lost once or twice but I just figured it out and it was okay.

Also, for work, I used to drive all the way down into DC through massive traffic and crazy road patterns multiple times a month. It never phased me.

Thinking about doing all that now literally gives me physical palpitations. I’m sure if it became an emergency I would be able to do it, but I would be freaked out the entire time. I would never do it without severe duress.

Again, why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Nothing has happened bad while in a car in recent years that would make me feel this way. I have not been in an accident, I have not gotten lost and been truly unable to figure out where I am going. There’s no logic to it.

Literally the only thing I can think of is that I spent 9 months not driving during covid. There was very little traveling at all during that time, cuz you know – covid, but I was working from home so the only traveling that did happen, with very rare exception, was me riding in the car with someone else. Is 9 months enough to forget how to drive enough that you become paranoid about it???

I don’t know. I know my clinical anxiety worsened during the same time, related to covid or not who knows, so I have no idea – maybe the two are related to each other? Once again I have no idea. But my overall anxiety has started getting better but this issue with driving has not improved at all so I’m not sure the two have anything to do with each other.

All I know is that this is fucking ***annoying***”. I stopped working almost a year ago and while I have been able to realize some of the benefits of that, there are many others, many, many, many others that I have not been able to take advantage of due to this fear of driving. Moreso, there are benefits that my family should be realizing, Dave in particular, when it comes to me taking care of things, that are not happening. He’s still doing the vet appointments, he’s still doing the doctors and dentist and hair appointments, and anything else that requires driving anywhere. Anywhere. It’s ridiculous. The best I have managed is to do pick up from soccer practice at school 5 minutes up the road, and even that was a little difficult (but doable) for me. I mean really???!???

And I have no earthly idea how to fix it. And it FUCKING NEEDS FIXED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

So if you have any ideas, let me know, because this is literally driving me crazy…