So the 5th anniversary of my suicide attempt isn’t until Saturday, but I’ll be mired in a work conference then (you know, that travel I was stressing out completely about in my last post?), so, since it’s on my mind anyway, I thought I’d write this post now.

Five years. It quite literally feels like so much longer so than that. But “five” is a milestone right? I’m sure there is some statistic out there that says if you make it 5 years “okay” then you are X% more likely to do okay in the long run. I’m pretty sure there is a statistic for everything.

Am I okay? Well, I’m not suicidal so in that vein the answer is a definite yes. But, well, if you’ve been following what (depressingly little) content has been here lately you’ll know that I’d never actually use the word “okay” to describe what I am. I’m definitely doing better than my last post, which was on a particularly awful day, but still suffering with a nice thick slice of anxiety and an (un)healthy schmear of depression to top it off.

That said, 5 long years ago or not, I remember the horror show that was my brain leading up to April 9, 2017, and this is a CAKE WALK by comparison. I actually remind myself of this frequently when my brain weasels start to really act up.

But I do REALLY REALLY miss the feeling of calm and rest that came right after. Working through the day-program, connecting with Dave to work through the new reality, having some time off of work and other expected responsibilities… The break to just focus on me and what I needed. I miss that a lot. I miss that feeling I remember. There was still anxiety there, still feeling my way through new territory, but I had the space to do it in a way I don’t now, with real life being so ever present.

So I guess, or at least I feel like, I’m supposed to have some words of wisdom or great insight at a milestone like “Five Years.” But honestly, I’ve got nothing other than to say it really is true that this never gets easier. It’s hard every day. And we don’t get nearly the time or space or gentleness for the self-care we need in the long term. Yet, here we are. Five years later – we are here.

Let’s just take that as the win for now.