Today was a horrible day.

Did anything bad happen? No. Were there any stressful events? No. Were there any triggering aspects to the day? No.

It. Just. Sucked.

If I was creating this on the computer, and if I were feeling better, this might be the point where I inserted a cute cartoon like I used to do back in the old days of these posts. But I’m posting on my phone, and I’m not feeling better, and so those cute and funny aspects seem to really be missing from the posts these days, don’t they?

So why did today suck? If you can answer that I will pay you with all the tea in China, as they say. I have no fucking idea. I just know I woke up with my head feeling like it was exploding into a thousand evil weasels. And even once that subsided I feel like I have skittery creepy crawly pieces of sadness and anxiousness crawling all through me. If that sounds nasty, it is. I promise you.

Dave and I have been talking about all the weird things that have been happening in my brain lately, and of course by lately I mean in the past year or so. I never used to be afraid of riding in the car or driving, but now it sends me into a completely anxious state of over-anxious anxiety to do either of those things. What the fuck is that all about?

I’ve traveled all across the world with no problem whatsoever. But now the idea of traveling just a little ways away – the dealing with flights and hotels and the expectations once I get there – has me so anxious that it gives me heartburn. If getting in my car and traveling 10 minutes down the road to work is stressful, how in the world am I supposed to get on an airplane and travel halfway across the country?

I’m so tired all the time. Am I the only one who just finds the world and everything about it lately so exhausting? I don’t think so, but maybe I more so than others? I don’t know. Jesus, I guess wave number whatever the hell it is we are in right now, is just too much for me. I keep hoping this will end and things will get better but then they get worse again. And I know that’s not going away anytime soon. Is that what’s making me stressed out? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I feel like blaming covid is a scapegoat. I feel like there’s more going on, and I’ve told that to my psychiatrist. And we’re trying to work through it but so far… No such luck.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is beyond venting, except that if others out there are feeling as lost and overwhelmed as I am that they understand they’re not alone. I suppose that’s the point of most of these posts, the whole point of this blog and the book that I wrote that will never be read by anyone lol. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, or burnt out, or at a complete and utter loss as to where to go or what to feel or what to do… You are definitely not alone.

The beat really does go on. We will go on with it. Some days will be okay. Some days will be bad. Some days will be really bad. Maybe if we’re really really lucky some of the days will even be good. But either way it will go on. That’s just how things work, and whether we know it or not we should be grateful for that.