So today marks 3 years of survival. My first year I was very contemplative about what had transpired over those 12 months since that day. Last year was far more lighthearted. I was feeling in a good place and enjoying the happier things in life and my post reflected it.

This year is different. The past six months have been a bit tough, and there’s been a lot of working with physicians on my insomnia and changing around meds. I’m feeling better on that front, which is great. But I still feel really out of sorts today.

It’s probably reasonable to chalk it up to everything that’s going on in the world around me, though I can’t make a direct line connection between the two. I’ve been doing at least some kind of work every day for the past month, some days more than others but still (and so has everybody else on my leadership team, I am not unique in this at all.) I’ve never done that before so I’m sure that could be the connection.

But whatever it is, I feel fidgety and sad. Not depressed, just sad. And I hate it when you feel something but you can’t quite put your finger on why. I started getting this feeling creeping up on me a few days ago so I made plans for this to be one of my work-from-home days.

But this morning I found myself unable to stop ruminating on this feeling and it’s lack of clear reasons, and ended up having a panic attack. It’s the first one I’ve had since I started on a new medication over a month ago. But to be fair, it’s not like this was one of those “I’m having a panic attack and I don’t know why” types that I have been having daily. It was definitely “I feel funky and I’m kind of freaking out about it.” It didn’t help matters that this is the first day that Dave had to go into the office in a week so I’m home by myself. (Good timing World, thanks so much.)

So I don’t know, maybe this is my brain’s terrible threes? Brain is getting a time out to think about what she’s done.