So I failed at my plan of finishing the first draft of the book by Valentine’s Day. That said it’s because I realized there was a chapter that I had forgotten to include which was super important and is also pretty long and pretty emotional to write. So I’m going to give myself a pass on this one, especially because, after rallying from the horribleness of November and December I totally crashed back down again in the last few weeks. Despite that I’ve managed to not only (mostly) function, but to get a good chunk of that chapter done, so I think I’ll refrain from beating myself up about it. Go me.

And the crash isn’t unreasonable or particularly unexpected. Our neighbor did finally pass away after some months in hospice. A good friend of mine has been in and out of impatient pysch/rehab, and unfortunately the out parts of it have not been pretty. Within one week we had three people at my office have extremely major family crises.

And most recently I found out that my boss of 17 years who I adore and have built our program from about a dozen providers to almost 60, as well as building another large program, is leaving in July. It’s particularly heartbreaking because it didn’t have to work out this way; he was interviewing for a very significant position within our professional society but wanted to split his time between our practice and there, which they were okay with. But unfortunately our organization said no, and wasn’t very supportive, so in the end he knew the best thing for him was to leave. It’s not the best timing what with a lot of structural and other changes happening at my workplace, and there is definitely some concern about them ultimately dismantling a lot of what he has successfully built without him there to hold it together. I’m not particularly worried about my specific situation and location/practice versus the larger group of entities that he has built and manages, but it’s certainly been nerve-wracking and sad and a little incomprehensible. I mean 17 years is almost as long as I’ve been married to my home husband, so losing my “work husband” after all that time is hard to wrap my head and heart around.

I’ve been having panic attacks almost every day, sometimes more than one, which let me tell you in case you have never had one – it gets old really fast.

It didn’t help that, with the headspace I was in, Dave was away this week for work, and it certainly didn’t help that I got sick on top of it, so really shity timing for a trip. But he is home now, and with also getting my meds straightened out, I am feeling much better today than I have in quite some time.

And professionally outside of my workplace there is some really awesome stuff going on. I have been the vice chair then chair of the hospitalist administrators executive council for the past 2 years. I was supposed to rotate off in April, which I was honestly a little sad about, but a change in the status of the incoming chair means that I will spend another year as chair while simultaneously training the new vice chair. I also got a spot on one of the committees in our professional society that is considered one of the most, I guess elite is the word, because it handles planning our major (MAJOR) annual conference. A lot of the people who have served on this committee have ended up on the Board, which is something I eventually aspire to, so I’m very excited. Plus the opportunity to help influence the meeting and continue to expand the “Big Tent” of the society so that it better includes all specialties within our field is really cool. And today I was just offered a spot on the editorial board for one of our society’s journals. It involves a lot of opportunities to not just influence content but actually create content by writing articles and blog posts etc. I totally didn’t see it coming and it really gave me a boost I definitely needed.

So the point is, it isn’t all bad. Some of it is pretty damn bad, but it appears there is a light at the end of the tunnel which may in fact not be an oncoming train. I’m looking forward to some planned hanging out with friends including running my RPG I was unable to run last time we were scheduled because I was too busy having an hours-long panic attack followed by so much anxiety I practically wrang my hands off my arms. I’m truly sad that we haven’t gotten any snow this winter and that we’re running out of time to do so, but I also really enjoy our actual St Patrick’s Day feast (paired again this year with playing that RPG) and the coming of spring with the trees blossoming, so that’s stuff to look forward to as well. And that major annual conference is in April this year and is in San Diego, and who can complain about a handful of days right on the water in San Diego?

Hopefully my life stops being a pendulum swinging from extreme highs to extreme lows. Hell I would just take something in the middle so this back-and-forth stops. I mean, I like rides and everything but I’m ready to get off this one for as long as possible.