Well actually, we’re barely halfway through winter. And it hasn’t been cold at all (much to my serious chagrin.)
And lonely probably isn’t the best word, but tough sure is. After the high-high of the vow renewal back in November things have definitely been a boulder rolling down a hill and gaining speed.
Except not.
I think the real problem is that if it were that visceral, that violent, that in your face – in some ways it might be better. It’s a lot easy to see the boulder coming, not have even a minute of hesitation to know it’s a huge issue, and you really only need one good solution to stop it. Instead it’s more like slowly being buried by shifting sands. A grain here, a handful there, quietly and gently moving to bury your foot, then your shoulder, then your hip. It’s just some sand so you don’t necessarily notice the danger. And it’s coming from all directions, so by the time you start to try and struggle free you’re well and truly stuck and there isn’t one single solution that’s going to free every part of you.
New cancer diagnosis, cancer re-occurrences, cancer declines, family drama and difficulties, having seemingly one illness after the other, financial strain, the mental well-being of more than one person I love being severely tested, professional disappointments, sleep issues, feeling overwhelmed by just trying to keep up with activities of daily living when all I want to do is crawl into bed and ignore it all….. any one of these things by themselves would be bad but not crushing. But I feel like I am slowly and quietly being buried alive.
AND SO GOD DAMN IT I AM GRABBING A FREAKING SHOVEL.
Brain chemicals play a role of course, and life does have a lot of shitty stuff going on right now, but I am sick of feeling this way. I’m going to force myself to start focusing on things that give me joy and allow myself to have those moments.
I am going to see and be with my husband the way I was that day of the vow renewal – fully present and full of gratitude.
I am going to color.
I am going to write – I will finish this first draft of the book by Valentine’s Day not because I feel like I have to and I’m a failure if I don’t, but because I want to.
I am going to read more – I’ve hardly read at all for months.
I am going to take joy in cooking like I used to, and in helping all of us be more healthy.
I am going to refocus on the things that given me professional joy that I still have, and keep dreaming and scheming for new things.
I am going to start reengaging in things I have let myself make excuses to stop doing.
I am going to throw on a pair of fox boots with a fox dress and fox jewelry and go to work with a “fuck-it-all I’m gonna be me” attitude.
Will I still have bad days?
Will I still feel defeated, maybe even often?
Will I still worry and know sorrow?
Yup. But the long, cold, lonely grayness won’t be ALL I feel. I won’t allow it.
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