Sadly this post is not going to be about some alternative and spicy ways to celebrate your holiday. Terribly sorry if you are now disappointed.
No, this post is about the fact that holidays were clearly invented by a sadist and the rest of us are a bunch of stupid masochists for continuing to subject ourselves to this routine terror.
Now I’m sure there are probably some people out there who don’t understand what I mean and think holidays are the best thing ever. Maybe THEIR holidays are the best thing ever. But for me it seems like in one way, shape, or form every single holiday involves some horrible manner of stress. And July 4th has always been one of the worst.
I know, July 4th right? How can July 4th be stressful? Sure Christmas, Thanksgiving where you’re trying to make sure that you’re everywhere seeing everyone… That’s stressful. But July 4th?
My husband’s grandmother’s birthday was around July 4th so it’s tradition in his family to celebrate every year at his aunt’s house for a pool party. Attendance is pretty much considered mandatory by the family. This created stress in two ways. First it meant that spending July 4th with my family was an issue unless the two celebrations fell on different days, which they often didn’t. Second Davie’s parents hated me when we first got together.
No, I don’t exaggerate. This isn’t like a “oh my gosh Karen they hate me so much oh my god.” This is like – do not want me around, do not want to interact with me, did not feel I was welcome. But the rest of his family had no problem with me so they always expected me to attend these parties anyway.
And I must have shown up late on the day that they were handing out the ability to not care what people think of you because I clearly did not get that coded into any part of my DNA (I think AOC must have cut in line and gotten my share.) These parties were agony; his parents avoiding me, having to watch every single thing I said and did because they would read something negative into everything (granted that means I shouldn’t have worried because no matter what I did they were going to think it was wrong, but you know, this is me we’re talking about, so NEUROTIC…)
Eventually things got better with the parents. And for quite a few years we had a good relationship, so being at the parties was actually enjoyable. Or at least as enjoyable as I ever find being at a party. However there was still the stressor of the whole mandatory Fourth of July with that side of the family thing causing frustration with my family. So July 4th, still a PITA.
Cut to the last few years. For reasons that are still unclear and completely baffling to myself and Davie, I am back to being evil incarnate as far as his parents are concerned. They refuse to have anything to do with me and only want to spend time with Davie & Eli. However Davie’s not down with that so we no longer have a relationship with them. And because events with that side of the family always include his parents we haven’t been going to those either because my husband just doesn’t want to deal with it. Occasionally when it’s been unavoidable he would attend without me, but it was always tense and stressful and would leave him upset for days if not weeks before and after.
I thought this year was going to be my best Fourth of July ever because our kid is away at camp and Davie and I are just spending a couple days, just the two of us, completely free of politics and family drama.
Sucker.
Despite not having attended one of these family fourth of July’s for years, two of Davie’s cousins have reached out and are begging us to come this year. And neither of us really want to go and deal with the parent drama, but we also feel really guilty because his cousins have always been very kind to both of us and they want us there so much and are trying to convince us just to ignore his parents. Except, we can’t. Or at least I can’t. That just isn’t how I’m wired. But I AM hard-wired for guilt, so I’m kind of stuck between a rock and a fire breathing dragon.
And this says nothing of Davie’s stress over the whole thing. Our nice relaxing week to think about nothing but spending time together has now been marred by him being in a funk over this entire thing, and that making me be in a funk, which is making him more in a funk… instead of a relaxing romantic few days we got the whirlpool death spiral of funk. I cry foul.
I mean really, what’s the answer? The good mental health patient in me says that you can’t put yourself in toxic situations which are going to negatively impact your mental health. So we don’t go. But the “pleaser” in me says that it isn’t fair to cut off his family members who haven’t done anything wrong and legitimately want us as part of their family. So we go. But I’ve spent the whole day with GI issues because I’m so stressed about the whole thing, so we…… what?
Did I mention that we also already had plans, albeit very informal ones, with my family for that day?
Yeah, holidays are just a barrel of monkey fun.
…………………………………………………………
Is a third option possible?
Explain the issue to the cousins, with instructions not to make a fuss with involved parties.
Have cousins meet you at a different, but nearby, location sans Davies parents – leaving said reunion late enough to have made a good showing, but early enough not to be pumpkins at the end of the day. Make excuses: tired/kids/work/important phone call /etc.
Is that possible?
Hugs.
Anxiety is bad.
You are loved. You are important and your feelings matter. Don’t feel guilty for actions of self-preservation. You do *not* give them permission to make you feel unworthy.
Listen to that good mental health patient of yours. That sounds like a toxic situation.
I recently had a similar toxic situation I had to repeatedly and explicitly say no to attending, with the accompanying pleaser in me feeling guilty with every single simple “No. I cannot be there. Thanks.” And proceeded to continue to spiral with gi issues and stress/anxiety. At the same time, I know that going would have been way worse.
I would try to reach out to the cousins and set up time with them separately, as it does seem genuinely a mutual caring relationship.
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sucks.
Love you and Davie and Eli lots. Enjoy every moment of this week.