I will just have to hope Queen doesn’t sue me for ripping off the title of one of their songs. (Hey Queen, it was the “first dance” at my wedding – does that make it better?)
So… April 9th
One year ago today I decided that the world would be better off without me. By tomorrow I would be sitting in the intake area of a psych hospital waiting to be admitted after a suicide attempt. I was embarrassed. I was disappointed. I was completely alone… and I felt I deserved it. How could I have allowed myself to suddenly be in this situation at almost 40 years old? How utterly pathetic and completely worthless I was? How could I ever expect to be forgiven for what I had done and who I was? Without the slightest hint of hyperbole – I was lost in the deepest, darkest pit of despair possible.
This past year has been so very, very hard. And humbling. But most of all, it has been full of love. Love of my amazing husband – who could not understand the horror that had unfolded, but still bewildered and terrified and overwhelmed himself, leapt heart and soul into being everything I needed. Love of those friends and family who never once made me feel judged, or broken, or anything but cared for and supported. Despite my fears, no one else ever felt there was anything I did that I needed to be forgiven for. I was the only one who needed to be kind enough and gentle enough with me to forgive me. As important as every single drop of love I received this year has been, the most important love I’ve had to find to survive is my own.
And so sitting here today – what difference can one year of love make?
One year ago I was was sitting in a psych ward feeling like I had no value. I wasn’t even allowed to have a pencil, let alone considered capable of leading or managing anything. Today I’m at my huge annual professional conference just trying to keep up with all the things I’ve been asked to be a part of and to lead because of how capable, and useful, and valuable I am. Frankly, it all seems a bit unreal to me. And if I’m being honest, I still vacillate between being able to believe that the way things are today is the way they really are and thinking that the way I thought they were a year ago is more accurate. Today is teaching me that things can get better, but it is also showing me that it’s probably never possible for us to 100% ignore the lies that our brains tell us. I’m standing here in this moment full of good things, but there is still a part of my brain waiting for the other shoe to fall (or thinking it has but no one wants to tell me).
But still, in the midst of this busy & chaotic day which is for now full of purpose and accomplishment, I couldn’t help but step back and take a quiet moment to reflect and be grateful that, even if it’s not perfect, it barely resembles the life of the same person one year ago. Thank you to all those, include the mean girl in my own head, for loving me enough to make this journey possible.