“Sleep like the dead”…

I’ve always thought this phrase sounded like the worst thing ever. Why would anyone want to sleep like the dead? I mean, the dead don’t wake up ever.

Me? Like it or not, I’m more of a “sleep like the undead” kind of gal. You know – shuffling around all uncoordinated, drooling on myself, moaning “sleeeeeep, SLEEEEEP…”, and desperately wanting to attack any chipper-ass person who’s clearly had a whole restful night of what I desperately want to have.

But people seem to frown upon zombies in the workplace, so figuring out the etymology and cure for this terrible plague it necessary.

Enter “the sleep study.” My first problem with this concept is that in order to have a sleep study, it seems to me that you have to make sure you are doing a study of… sleep. And the only thing that I can think of that would make me less than lying in a hospital bed while people poke and prod and stare at me all night might be snorting coke while having my hair set ablaze.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It’s Off to The Sleep Center I Go

So inspite of my doubts, I dragged my undead ass into the sleep center at 9pm on a Saturday night (‘cuz no one knows how to party like a sleep-zombie!) As I am waiting in the lobby for someone to come bring me back, a man and who I think was his mom arrive together. The guy is on crutches so at first I figure she just staying to help him until he gets settled in. Then the tech comes to get us and:

Lady: How long does this test take?

Tech: He’ll be done around 6.

Lady: AM??? He has to stay all night??

Tech: (clearly a bit confused) Yes, the test runs all night.

I mean – WTF? Aside from the fact that they tell you all this all on the phone when they schedule the appointment, and then send you a 4 page document outlining it all again in writing… HOW DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING TO GO DOWN?? Did you think that they would be like “You need to fall asleep RIGHT NOW so we can test you for like 15 minutes and get you out of here”?  It’s already 9pm for heaven sakes – that’s a rather unusual time for a normal length doctor’s appointment, don’t you think?? So in addition to his mom and ride now being all pissed off out the timing – the guy brought nothing with him. No PJs, no toiletries, nothing. Dwiddle-dumb is gonna have to sleep in jeans and football jersey and can’t even brush his teeth.

?????

So we get taken back and brought to our individual rooms. So I put on my PJs and start unpacking my bag – extra pillow and blanket, books to read, something to drink, and the stuffed animal I sleep with every night. The tech comes in to go over the paperwork with me.

Oh how cute. Is that your stuffed koala?

I’m just gonna leave that there….

I’m So Wired

Going through the paperwork reading about the fresh hell they are about to put me though, I make a comment to the effect of  – who is actually able to sleep in this situation – and the tech tells me:

Many people report sleeping better here than at home!

REALLY? Where do these people LIVE???? Prison? One of the observation tanks at the aquarium? The White House?

So I get hooked up to a bazillion wires from the top of my head on down to my legs and told – Sleep Well!!!

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Sure, right. Doesn’t everyone who already doesn’t “sleep well” under the BEST of circumstances and WITH drugs, have a peaceful night of restful sleep like in THIS situation:

There’s a lot more where this came from! Want to read about bunny assassins and loved ones lost and deranged Christmas shoppers and surviving suicide? Please check out the rest of The Tangent Girl Volumes!

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