My husband Dave and I have been together for 22 years, married for almost 19 of those. Despite the fact that I travel for work, we’ve spent no more than 6 days apart, and that was once. The work trips tend to be only 3-4 days. And it’s kind of pitiful, but I don’t know how to emotionally function for such a long period of time without him.
We knew travel was going to be a part of his new job, but we’d been told most trips were just a couple of days here and there, at the most a week, so I was prepared to handle that. But on day two at his job they asked him to take the current work trip he’s on — 16 days in Greenland. There are a lot of reasons why this trip is an aberration which isn’t likely to happen a lot, if ever again, but it doesn’t need to happen a lot. It’s happening right now and I’ve been a mess.
That day we found out he was going I already had an appointment with my therapist. Needless to say the entire content of our conversation during that session was about the trip. Several times in different ways my therapist asked me: what was I afraid was going to happen with him being gone?
What was I afraid was going to happen? I was afraid what was going to happen was that he wouldn’t be here. I’ve been having multiple panic attacks every day, and this Tuesday, which was the day after my birthday (I know, right?) was the worst. My heart was racing and I felt nauseous most of the day. Why the hell does there have to be some actual impending catastrophe else I have to feel like I’m pathetic for being freaked out? It’s ridiculous that there has to be some event or issue that drives my negative emotions about this. I’m completely stressed because HE’S NOT HERE. I don’t understand why even my therapist couldn’t understand how difficult it would be to not see my husband for so long, to not have the simple but vital comfortable of his touch. Touch is important – through it he grounds me, he calms me, he recharges me. I love him. Isn’t that reason enough to be freaked out?
These 15 days have truly felt like a month, and my nerves are frayed to the breaking point, but the good news is he is finally coming home tomorrow. And I can guarantee three things:
- I am not going to sleep tonight.
- I am going to burst into tears the minute I see him.
- I am not going to let go of him until further notice.
There’s a lot more where this came from! Want to read about bunny assassins and loved ones lost and deranged Christmas shoppers and surviving suicide? Please check out the rest of The Tangent Girl Volumes!
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