So I have known since I was in the hospital 8 years ago that therapy is an important part of treatment, not just medication. However, I have not found a therapist I have been able to connect with or found value in since the one I had before that “big event.” (Unfortunately she stopped seeing most of her patients because she got a grant and most of her time was taken up by research and not seeing patients.)

So many, many years. Many, many therapists. Nothing was working. I felt lost, like nothing was going to work after 4 plus therapists that haven’t worked out after between five sessions and well over a year worth of sessions. Maybe the right therapist for me just didn’t exist.

But then it happened.

My grief over my brother’s passing has been a very active bad spot in my life for nine months now. It was 98% of what we talked about, and she gave me revelations, she gave me insight, she gave me the ability to process things in a way I wasn’t able to before. We talked about forgiveness, and how you can’t do more than people will let you do, and why this feels different, harder, than others deaths in my past have felt.

I will miss my brother for as long as I live. And I have harbored all of these difficult feelings because our relationship became strained after a few things that happened in past years while he was still in Georgia. The details aren’t important, suffice to say that a very close and trusting relationship disintegrated (based on one decision on my part) into a superficial relationship at best. She has helped me understand the choices I made were probably the right decision, despite how things changed afterwards. She’s also giving me suggestions for some coping mechanisms when I am having some of those really bad days. That has led me to reach out to others to facilitate a memory box, which I am very much looking forward to putting together.

We talked about a few other things too, and earmarked some important stuff that we will cover in upcoming sessions. In addition to being a general therapist, she is also a trauma therapist, which is something I’ve known for a bit that I need in order to work through some stuff that’s happened to me in my past. So I am grateful to have a one-stop-shop, if you will.

I also feel more comfortable with her in one session than I have felt with any other therapist before, other than my very first. She’s around my age, very matter of fact, very straightforward, very much tells it like it is. Which is exactly what I need and want. One of my frustrations with some of my past therapists is that it’s felt more like a “having coffee with friends and chatting about your week” kind of relationship. That is not what I need, and certainly not what I want to pay money for. I need someone who’s going to help me do better, I need someone who’s going to help me grow, and frankly I need someone who’s going to challenge me. She actually said to me – give me six sessions. If you want to fire me at the end of that I promise you it will be because I am trying to push you to places you are not ready to go yet. That is exactly what I need.

So I am hopeful. I think I may have finally found what I have been looking for, and I am ready to start moving forward again.