I think one of the hardest parts about having kids is not knowing when it will be the “last time” you do something. Most things kinda sneak up on you, and one day you just suddenly go – “Wait, when was the last time I picked him up?” Or “when was the last time he cuddled with me?” When was the last book, the last time we sang goodnight sweetheart at bedtime, the last time he slept with a glow stick, the last time he wore a costume, the last time he called me Mommy instead of Mom?

And the thing is, I can’t remember. These things just happened and I didn’t notice until it was too late to lock in the memory of that last time. And it makes me sad, so I’ve been determined not to miss it again.

And looming before me are two of the biggest, toughest ones yet – the last time he sleeps with his stuffies and the last time he lets us tuck him in at night.

He been talking about packing up the stuffies for well over a year, and I just keep putting him off, but I can’t keep doing that. I don’t know why this one is so hard, but it really is. He’s always slept with so many stuffies that there is barely room in bed for him. It’s just part of who he is. And so many of them have specific stories or memories attached to them….. the first one he ever picked out, at the zoo – it’s a polar bear and he picked it because it looked like his beloved ‘uncan. The Darth Vader bear he took with him to see his first Star Wars movie in the theater. The turtle I brought back all the way from Hawaii for him. The idea of them all being packed away breaks my heart into tiny little pieces.

And the tucking him in at night – another thing he’s started making noise about us “not needing to do.” In some ways this has already started. On the weekends he usually goes to bed after us, so we just say goodnight. But on the weekdays we still go in and kiss him goodnight and make sure he’s all tucked in. Maybe because this one is happening gradually it’s upsetting me less than the stuffies, but it’s still upsetting.

I get that instead of focusing on the “lasts” that I should be focusing on the firsts – first time he had a sleepover, first girlfriend, first time he walked up to the store or down to the basketball court with his friends, first time he was old enough to get a key and let himself in and out of the house when we weren’t home, and soon enough the first time he drives. But letting go is hard, dammit.

I guess I wonder – is this ever gonna get any easier? I’m so proud to see him growing up, and (other than the teenage attitude and mood swings, lol) I like the independent person he is becoming now. I like that he has so much more freedom, and I like that we do as well. But I also miss my sweet, snuggly baby who needed me.

So I ordered a couple of baskets today to gift him with so he can pack away the stuffies, and I cried while I did it. I’ll do my best not to cry when I give them to him, but I make no promises.

And we’ve given him the option of moving into the bedroom downstairs, which is bigger and has more privacy. I know that if he does move, that will also probably signal the end of the tucking in, not to mention how sad I’ll feel when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and realize he’s not right there just across the hall. But he hasn’t decided yet, so we’ll see….

Why do they grow up so fast? I never realized this is what they really meant by “growing pains.”