I have no title for this one. I tried for almost a day, but I couldn’t come up with one. So let’s just call a spade a spade, and let’s not even try anymore.

There is no circumstance, regardless of the details, in which talking about someone passing away will ever be easy.

My oldest (11 years younger than me) brother passed away a week ago today. It’s been very hard for us all to wrap our brains around. You cannot in any way shape or form say there’s anything positive about someone you love so much being gone without warning.

There’s been grief. There’s been numbness. There’s been drama, for sure. But what I will walk away from this with in some kind of positive space is these two things:

When something so devastating happens to you, you immediately know who has your back. Family, and dear friends, that have stepped up in the last week to help get me through this difficult time, especially considering Dave was halfway across the world for a work trip….. it’s overwhelmingly sweet. I got text messages, I got Facebook messages, I got phone calls, I got visits, I got a bestest friend living at my house to make sure I wasn’t alone until Dave got home, I got family visits… There was never a **second** that I didn’t know that I was loved, and upheld, and that people were there for me.

Second… Stuff like this is always going to be difficult to break to your children. Ethan was here almost constantly when Eli was a baby/toddler. But he moved to Georgia, and then Pennsylvania, for most of Eli’s kid/preeteen life. So they haven’t had much of a close relationship for a few years despite how close they were when he was much younger. So I thought Eli might not be so affected.

But he was pretty upset. He absolutely wanted to come to the funeral, which we told him he didn’t have to do if he didn’t want to. That meant dad had to drive to Jersey today to pick him up and bring him back so that we could travel to Pennsylvania tomorrow for the funeral. Apparently he and Dave had fairly extensive conversations about the whole thing while they were in the car. And while he was there in the car he texted me too. He was clearly feeling a little bit lost, and confused, and sad. I said to him that I understood and that sometimes people didn’t feel that they could talk about what they were going through. But I hoped that he always knew he could tell his dad and I anything, ANYTHING at all, and we would always be there for him. And he said —- he knew, and thank you, and I love you. ❤️

It was the most. The most beautiful. The most special. The most heartfelt thing ever. EVER.

So who knows? Maybe these conversations were my brother’s gift to me? Maybe he didn’t know, but would approve? Maybe it’s all happenstance….

No matter what – I will miss my brother forever. I will love my child forever. I will deeply appreciate my family and friends forever.

This moment is “A Moment.” We will get through to other side.

Rest in Peace Ethan. I love you dude. Hope you’re making awesome music on the other side. ❤️