“Eight is a lot legs, David” is one of Dave and my many favorite quotes from our favorite “Christmas” movie, so I thought I’d whip it out here. Eight is a lot of legs, it’s also a lot of years. Eight years of surviving and sometimes thriving, sometimes not. This has been an interesting year, full of some of the highest and lowest moments of the last eight.

Losing my brother last summer was really hard. I still have nightmares about it, I still get choked up probably at least once a week even though it’s been nine months at this point. I just have so many regrets, and I don’t think I’ll ever quite be able to fully let go of the “what ifs.” Honestly it still doesn’t even seem real. I hurt for all the missed conversations, all the memories that didn’t get made. It hurts terribly that I never got to say goodbye.

So there that. Also – communication is hard and no matter how long I practice I still find I’m often still not very good at it. So misunderstandings still happen, and often lead to really not-so-great outcomes, but all you can do is keep trying. Oh, that and the major disappointment of Eli likely not getting into the high school we so desperately wanted for him. That is definitely my one of my big sads for the year. And the state of the world right now – don’t even get me started on that…

But in terms of highs, I guess the thing about them is that they’re more subtle, more nuanced, quieter. One of the best things about this year has been getting my feet under me in terms of trying to keep up with the house. I know this might not sound like much, but I was SOOOOOOO OVERWHELMED by it before January. I was literally paralyzed to do anything at all because it all seemed so insurmountable.

But we had agreed to host a very special dinner party to celebrate a huge accomplishment in one of my best friend’s lives at the very beginning of February, and there was absolutely no way we could do that with the house in the state it was in. I had no choice but to spend the month of January slowly biting off chunks of what needed to be done to make the place presentable. And slowly but surely, with that goal that was near and dear to my heart in mind, I got it done.

And now that it’s done, it’s SOOOOOOO much easier to keep it up because now the things that need done are always small bites, instead of being these overwhelming projects. So things are clean, items that have long since needed to go or be replaced have been, I’ve started not one but two little hydroponic gardens of herbs and veggies…. I’m proud of myself and much more comfortable in my surroundings. I feel significantly less pointless than I have since I left work, and that’s not a small thing. That stuff messes with your headspace and I’m relieved to feel better about myself.

Another seemingly small, but very important to me nonetheless, “high” was the holiday season this year. The beginning was rough, with Dave being out of the country for 14 days right after Thanksgiving, but once he was home it was busy, but really lovely. Dave is often fairly grumpy about the holidays, but maybe because we were just so grateful to be back together, he was definitely in a better mood than he often is at that time of year.

We went to Pittsburgh and saw all my family there and had some great conversations, got some really thoughtful gifts, and generally just really enjoyed ourselves. My dad and I had fun getting the VRBO all decorated for our Christmas, and I really enjoyed cooking for the family. Then Christmas with my Maryland family, a few days of downtime, and then New Year’s with Dave’s Jersey family. It was so nice to manage to see almost everyone this year (Dave’s other brother is in Colorado so we couldn’t see him) and celebrate in little ways with everyone. I wish every year could be exactly like that.

And speaking of celebrating, Dave and I marked our 25th wedding anniversary this year with a lovely weekend away in Annapolis. We ate amazing food, snuggled, spent loads of time in the hot tub looking out over the Bay – it was wonderful.

I haven’t fully accomplished my goal from last year of being comfortable driving again, but I’m getting better. I’m comfortable driving to pick Eli up at school when he has to stay for JNHS meetings. I’m more comfortable driving down to my parents’ house. I went to a professional society dinner about a month ago, at night no less. The other day I drove myself to the store. So baby steps, but steps just the same.

And that’s really it in a nutshell. Another year in the books, for which I am grateful.