Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
~Aldous Huxley
[This post is definitely going to be considered TMI by some folks, so please feel free to opt out now if any mention of intimacy, no matter how generalized and vanilla, gives you the creeps.]
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about taking things for granted, and Dave and I have recently had a number of discussions about it, too. A lot of my thinking started while he was away in Greenland, about how much I don’t know about what needs doing or how to do it around the house because I never have to think about it – Dave takes care of it. I’ve tried to be better about being cognizant and helping out, though I know I’ve backslid on that a little as of late.
As for Dave and I, the discussions have been a bit different. When we first got married, Dave worked at a construction-type job and had to leave the house by like 5am or something. AND he was taking night classes. Despite that, every morning before he left he would lay next to me and rub my back, or rub my feet… just 5 minutes or so of doing something, with no prompting whatsoever, to have that quiet moment at the beginning of the day to connect and show me he cared. At some point along the way, that stopped. But recently, after he got back from Greenland he started doing it again. He said it occurred to him that though he had even less time back then, he’d made the effort. So why wasn’t he doing it now? Why did he start taking that time and the emotional impact it had for granted? You realize, in the end it’s the small things that most define our relationships, but it’s almost as if we stop “seeing” each other at some point. We go through the motions without ever really stopping to consciously be together. It’s amazing how different it feels when you choose to be present.
And that’s led to another discussion. Even after all these years, we’re fortunate to still like each other and to still enjoy an active intimate relationship. But my paranoia has always left me wondering – is it really everything he wants and desires? Am I really fulfilling his needs? We’ve talked about this (endlessly) in one context or another for as long as we’ve been together. He’s always assured me that it’s all good, he’s happy. But that niggling little voice in my head…. is he really enjoying it, or is he just enjoying my enjoyment? (Yes, my asshole Brain is the worst roommate ever; living inside my head is exhausting.) For me, part of it has been driven by the irony that he is very effusive with his love in our day to day life – holding hands, kissing, hugging, being very verbal – telling me he loves me all the time; but that’s felt somewhat missing in the sexual part of our relationship where he’s far less vocal.
And the reason I talk about all of this is NOT to be all TMI and whatnot. I wanted to write about it because it directly relates back to what I’ve been spending so much time thinking about for several months – of taking things for granted, of not being present, and being the worse off for that. When Dave and I have talked about this intimacy issue these last few weeks, the realization was that physical pleasure is lessened without conscious attention to the emotional intimacy, as well. A conscious connection, which requires a purposeful focus – paying attention to your heart, not just your body, and sharing that connection outwardly with each other in the moment – actually makes the physical more intense. It’s like eating an amazing steak, the BEST there is to be had in all the world, and taking for granted that it’s so good that it must be as good as it can be. But then you suddenly have that steak with some salt and it intensifies everything, turns it into a completely different experience, into something you didn’t even realize you were missing. Being consciously present makes everything better.
Humans may have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted, but thankfully we also have an almost infinite capacity for learning if we are willing to do so. Dave and I aren’t going to turn into Buddha overnight because of morning back rubs or a better sex life, but I’m okay with that. What I’ve got is nothing to take for granted.
