I think we all look at people who are older than us and think of them as the grown-ups and wonder when we’ll be ‘grown-up.’ But it doesn’t seem to matter how old I get, I always still feel like the “not-a-grown-up.” And that ends up making me feel like I’m screwing up in some way because I am ‘supposed’ to be a grown-up by now.

And I also struggle with looking at people who are ‘experts’ and wondering when I’ll get to be an ‘expert.’  The problem with this one is that, unlike the not feeling like a grown-up thing, this one isn’t all in my head. I don’t think most people in my professional life would think of me as incompetent, but that is a far cry from viewing me as an expert either.

And sometimes I really get pissed off by this. I have been doing what I do for a long time. I am good at what I do. I have had experiences and done things by this point in my career that these other “experts” had NOT done by the time they got to be considered experts (some still haven’t done them) – – yet I am not an expert like they are?? I still get ‘put in my place,’ I still get told to ‘keep up the good work and you will get there,’ I still get told my ambitions related to doing things as an expert are great to work towards but I should wait 2-5 years before expecting anything to materialize. Sometimes there is even what seems to be a patronizing tone to the credit I am given, almost like I am a child being praised for my pre-school art project that is supposed to be a pony but looks like a Rorschach test created by a blind lemur with epilepsy. And I’m like – duh ferk?

But then, my own internal self-doubt coupled with this not-inconsequential amount of ‘gas lighting’ makes me end up doubting myself. Maybe the things I’ve done aren’t as big a deal as I think they are. Maybe I don’t know as much as I think I do. Maybe I am not as ‘good’ as I think I am. Maybe the pride I’ve taken in things I have accomplished is just unsubstantiated ego and doesn’t reflect reality.

Maybe everyone who praises me to my face is secretly planning to throw my shitty art into the trash as soon as I go to sleep.