I haven’t been feeling very damned funny lately.
Between the shooting, and work stress, and this stupid screwed up shoulder, and a nice helping of depression with a side of exhaustion…. I am not a bucket of laughs right now. And that’s kept me from writing for almost a month now because I figure people want to come here to be entertained, not to be brought down.
But I guess we’re all just gonna have to suck it up and ride this one out, because I fear if I don’t write something now, I’ll never come back.
So what’s been on my mind lately… Well, one of the things that’s been bothering me the most is not really having someone I can talk to about some of the stuff that’s bothering me. My therapist, while very sweet, just hasn’t been giving me what I need and despite multiple calls to multiple other practices I haven’t even gotten so much as a call back, let alone been able to schedule something. So I haven’t had a professional to talk to in almost 3 months.
As far as non-professionals go, my husband is usually the one I talk to about everything, and he still is my go-to for most things, but it’s hard for him to be “the one” when there’s no way he can be objective about the some of the things I need to talk about.
And if any of my friends or other family are reading this, I’m sure at least a few of them might be hurt or possibly even offended by the fact that I don’t feel like I can talk to them either. The thing is, I’ve gotten burned a number of times in my life by sharing too much with someone. Just this past year I had a really horrible outcome when I confined in a very close friend, and now I’m completely neurotic (okay, MORE neurotic) about it. Again, I just feel like some of the things that are bothering me that I need to talk about aren’t things they can be objective about for various reasons. Plus I feel like I’d be a burden to them, and no amount of assuring me I’m not will help – I’m so uncomfortable that I just can’t. I started to cultivate a friendship with someone outside my circle where talking about these things seemed to be possiblity and more comfortable, but in the end that didn’t really work out to be what I was hoping for. (What, you don’t want to be buddies with the crazy, needy lady? Why not? It’s a total mystery.)
The thing is – I used to have someone I really did feel completely at ease talking to – a friendship I treasured. We went through a lot together, got each other through a lot of the shit that comes with being in your teens and twenties. Someone I could just sit with and we could both just BE. And I went and fucked it up. I spent years sliding into a deeper and deeper depression, pushing everyone away and not being there for them anymore than I would let them close to me. And hey – shocker – when I pulled my head out of my ass all these years later, they’d moved on. It’s not like they hate me or anything, or that we aren’t still friendly, but that closeness I took for granted is unrecoverable.
So I’ve been feeling pretty lonely and lost lately. The resolve I had, and the resolution I committed to, after I hit rock bottom last year was to NOT hide what I was feeling, to not just “suck it up,” to not just pretend that everything is fine. But I’m slipping back into those old habits. And honestly, I think that, more than anything, is what has kept me from posting lately.
The irony is, I started this blog, and writing the book, as a place where I could put everything out there, where I could talk about whatever was going on with me at anytime, no matter what. It was supposed to be my outlet. But friends and family and people I know read it — so it’s become no different than telling them these things directly. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. So I don’t even have a cyber-outlet. Even writing this makes me desperately uncomfortable.
So yeah… Happy Monday.
There’s definitely something to be said about having a “privately public” outlet – a place to scream into the wind but not have to worry about someone hearing it.
I hope you can find that place again.
I’m glad you were able to write this.
I’m sad your therapist isn’t providing what you need, at the same time, I’m very glad you recognize it and are trying to seek elsewhere. Just a thought, bayview anxiety clinic might be useful if you have not already tried them.
If you do ever feel like a talk, I’m here. God knows I’ve needed much of that in my time. Either way, don’t keep it in, even if you write privately.
Hugs and love