Driving Miss Daisy
During our consulting business trips we’re driven everywhere, usually by drivers from the corporation we’re working for. This time we’ve also had a private driver for some of the trips because the company guy hasn’t always been available.
The fact that there have been multiple unrelated drivers is relevant because it proves that there is not just some random and vindictive chauffeur out to get me, no. The repeated assassination attempts upon me must either have been arranged by my Team, the corporation, or by the country itself.
Any of these is feasible, I am Evil after all.
How, you may ask, have they tried to make me swim with the fishes?
(Yes, we’re in a desert but this piece of desert is actually on the water so, yes, FISHES.)
Well, frankly, they haven’t been very creative because they’ve tried to do it the same way 3 times. …Okay, to be fair they did attempt to mix it up a bit on the last attempt, but I am not fooled.
The first time occurred getting into the giant white corporation SUV at the hotel on morning one. I had one foot on the running board and just as I lifted the other off the ground the guy started driving away. Much yelling and panic ensued and we only went about 3 feet before we stopped and I was left unharmed.
But this will not do. You don’t get paid until you complete the job.
So getting into the car at the hospital at the end of day one, HE DID IT AGAIN. (Really? Do you only have one tool in your bag of tricks? Or do you think I’m just so dimwitted and unworthy of any exciting and epic efforts that you figure this is all it should take to off me? I’m offended.)
Only this time, I was ready and was at least bodily in the car when we began moving swiftly forward. Ha! I’m on to you, bitches!
I thought that would be the end, perhaps I had broken their spirit. Little did I know they were apparently told my name was Sean Bean.
The NEXT day we have a driver from a completely independent company. Pick up at the hotel is fine, drop off and pick up at the satellite facility we were touring was fine, drop off at the main hospital gate to pick up our passes was fine. So at this point I thought “well clearly, it was the company driver who was out to get me all along!”
Until I tried to get back into the car. Yup, you guessed it… Only THIS time, in addition to lulling me into a false sense of security first, they also decided – “maybe the problem is we keep driving forward so as long as she doesn’t fall (and land underneath a wheel) she’ll survive. So THIS time – we’ll back up instead.”
So there I was, one foot lifted off the ground in the process of being placed on the running board, hand firmly on the “Jesus handle,” as the SUV began moving backward, it’s large and heavy door quickly bearing down on me with no hope of my avoiding it.
More shouting and yelling and then an epic action hero-style move by moi to launch myself into the car and safety. (Well, “action hero move” if action heros have the grace of a one-legged flamingo with a broken ankle and tend to end up sprawled face first across a car seat with an abaya tangled around their feet – which are still dangling out the open SUV door.)
Graceful or not I survived. Hooray me, you have failed evil assassins!!!